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self love
October 2009 
For years I was afraid of what my family would think of me for being gay. I was mostly afraid of hurting my parents and my sisters. I lived a life of fraudulent front in horror, in deep desperation, dark depression and in the constant shadow of the consideration of suicide, for so many years. I just didn't want to cause "them" pain. I had rather been in pain myself, tortured myself, even would have chose to die, rather than cause them to suffer because of who I realized I was.
I put my life on hold for so many years in exchange for nothing. I refused to show up for my own life in order to keep peace, not cause a disturbance and to keep things 'calm'.
Yes, there is much to this story. So much Shadow. So much sadness and fear. So much self deprecating hatred expressing itself through addiction and depression. But there's another side to this crazy coin. How can I teach and share with others what Self Esteem is if I myself am refusing to embrace it? Something that I could taste and sense and yet couldn't seem to choose.
This is where I saw the Light. Where I actually realized that I was protecting them to my own detriment. I was hating me, but protecting them? Could they possibly really need this from me? I was protecting them from their feelings and ideas about my being gay, from my spiritual path being different from theirs? Yes. I was protecting them from their pain and sacrificing myself. Willing to go through whatever it took to keep me off-line. Out of sync. In a hole. How futile is that path?! It wasn't until I recognized that I was not only keeping myself from showing up for my life, but I was literally taking away their own opportunity for growth as a result of the difference of who I am. Maybe their opportunity to come closer to their Truth and learn about peace? Power? Sadness? Strength? A relationship with their religious experience? I was literally attempting to manipulate their potential karmic directives by limiting the Truth that they might hear, know, fear or experience beacuse of Who I Am. I was robbing them of their potential gifts.
Do you see how powerful it is to be True? To be honest? For everyone around you!? To allow people to experience their own Journey in their own way?! How will we change if people are afraid to speak their Truth? How will realize where we've been sheep? Where we need to shift our perpsective? The light the light the light! We're only as screwed up as our deepest secret is hidden. Where there is light and exposure there is Freedom and possibility for radical shift in understanding, awakening and Freedom. For Truth! It's all there. In that process of coming forth and being REAL. For me, for you, for them. But if we limit our own Journey because of what we're afraid others will have to go through, we're doing nothing but interfering in that amazing things we call Life and growth.
We're here to learn. To make mistakes. To reach. To forgive. To support each other and ourselves by being easy with it all. The Shadow brings gifts and in these gifts, when we're willing, we find the gold in the dark that liberates us all! The freedom that comes in being Authentic is the greatest freedom we may ever know. Whether it's the difference of a spiritual or religious belief, or personal or political point of view. Or you're gay or different or socially, regionally unacceptable by those around you...Don't be afraid to be who you are. Don't be afraid of others having to deal with it! Be Real. Be Free. Be light. It's your Divine right.
Namaste
Paul
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